Even though I've shared my IBS story with you on here (with plans to delve into this topic a bit further soon), this certainly feels like my most personal and open blog post. For the first time in my adult life, I've been feeling a way I never have before when it comes to my single status and lack of any real romantic relationship; unhappy.
Up until now, I've never had a serious boyfriend, something that has never really bothered me until very recently and for some reason I just can't shake the feeling. When I was a teenager, I honestly was like an 80 year old trapped inside the body of a 14 year old (I much preferred staying in with a good film or a book, a yummy takeaway and my pyjamas on or going to the movies with my friends, instead of drinking litres of cider in our local park or getting all dressed up in Tammy's (who else remember's that shop?!) finest to go to the 'unders' clubs) and even now that's pretty true. But as a teenager I certainly didn't feel ready to even contemplate the thought of dating someone. When a boy declared that he 'fancied' me, my response was to go beetroot and overthink everything. Surely this was some kind of Ashton Kutcher-style Punk'd practical joke at my expense, I would think. I wasn't confident in my own skin either and got worked up about the way I looked. It probably took until the age of eighteen/nineteen before I began to own who I was and how I looked but by this time I was at University. The idea of a one night stand just wasn't how I wanted to be treated and I still felt uneasy with the idea of hooking up with some random stranger. As a result, I was still single bar the odd 'date' that never really went anywhere. But now something feels different. I want someone else to share the good things with.
All it takes is a quick scroll through Facebook to really make the situation feel a hundred times worse. Remember that boy you used to have a crush on in high school; engaged. The girl you used to walk to school with in the morning; married and just had a baby (on purpose, I might add, still a crazy thought). The girl you sat next to in English; just moved in with her boyfriend of six years. Even though I haven't seen most of these people in about eight years now, since leaving school, for some reason that shit hurts. Even if just for a second, it hurts and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because somehow I feel like I'm missing out. But on the other hand, the notion of something like Tinder just fills me with dread. I know a good number of people who've met their current partner/that special someone on some kind of dating site/app but I just worry that all I'll find is the kind of guys I actively avoided during high school and Uni. All I'm really looking for is the exact opposite. Or to quote Hannah Horvath from Girls;
'I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I'm the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me'.
Okay so maybe not all the time and I'm pretty sure there are people out there in the world doing better things than I am but you get the gist. I mean surely that's not too much to ask for, is it?
Would you like to see me share more personal posts like these or little insights into my life outside the blog? Is anyone else in a similar situation? And does anyone know an eligible bachelor who might quite like to take me out on a date? Kinda joking there but also kinda not. Let me know what you think and how do you feel when you take a scroll through Facebook these days?